Cleared for Duty

Peace is not with me tonight. It will have to be. OK.

Well maybe not but I'll do the best I can.
I AM...

Preparing to watch Brandon leave for the journey that likely spans the rest of his life. I can't know the number of days. I can't rely on a parent organization or FB to help me figure out where "he is" as I could when he participated in Semester at Sea. There's an APP for that. Don't think I haven't already downloaded it and spent time figuring it out. I have no idea which of my peeps already know that commercial vessels are tracked around the globe. I'll learn. 

He took this picture at Angkor Wat. I don't think he'll be writing a blog like he did then. SAS. Semester at Sea is a program for college students and what they call "Life Long Learners" that takes a semester to circumnavigate the globe on a converted cruise ship. The library used to be the casino! It was the trip of a lifetime that eclipsed his other "trip of lifetime" to Fiji, Australia and New Zealand between his junior and senior years in high school. People to People; started by Eisenhower to encourage student ambassadors to travel the world.  His first solo airplane ticket was a birthday wish at 14. 

Preparing to be thrilled, proud, worried. And preparing to be in my "Nest 4 One". 

His wish? His best case scenario means I'll not see him again until September of 2015. That seems like forever. It's not without some humor that I'm thinking this day seemed farther away just like that one does now. That one is very much farther away. I asked him tonight if he was excited. "YES!" I asked him tonight if he were nervous. "Some". I asked him tonight what was the one thing he was looking forward to the most? "The OPEN SEA. A backpack, a duffle bag and the world - destination unknown."   

Somehow what should have stayed months away is less than two weeks. HOW did that happen? I'm not obsessing. OK. Yeah. Yeah. I'm trying not to obsess. Was I not paying attention? Why is it that I did not raise someone who wanted to stay within a radius of say, 500 miles? I'm usually proud of that. I will be (damn it) before I have to drop him off. (http://www.seafarers.org). An Apprenticeship. A path to his dreams and his future.    

Circa 2002 or so. Perhaps I should have know. A family reunion. Getting his younger cousins into trouble building a stone path in a park stream...

Circa 2002. Waiting for his brother to "get over" being sick on board a quick trip around Philadelphia harbor. We were there for the Fourth of July. EVERYONE should spend at least one 4th there. Walk the history trail and check out the Liberty Bell. Long makeshift security lines and metal detectors that summer. The guards were still wearing full armor and AK-47 machine guns. The boys loved it. 

Preparing to be the self-contained, cheerful, organized, busy parent he has come to appreciate. I am preparing to smile. I am preparing to be the bravest of Moms. No tears for me. I will be dropping him off. He'll pull his bag and a backpack out of my car and be gone. It will take only seconds. He'll slip away in a minute.  I won't be prepared and I'll struggle not to call him back. I can't. I know that. He's a grown ass man after all. 

He'll be patient but roll his eyes and wish me well. Likely after a good breakfast at whatever hotel we land at the day before. He might let me hug him if no one is around. People are certain to be around. Everyone has to check in between 7 and 10 am. This is Brandon. We will be there long before 10. 

Tears will run their course down along my nose and cheeks all the long way home. He'll never know. Isn't that in the Mom job description? 

Preparing to be proud and overjoyed.